Underwater
by Just-a-few-words
Summary: Shattered dreams. Broken hopes. Lost life. One way to cope : staying underwater.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer - Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Saga. Any characters and plots points associated with Twilight do not belong to me and I do not derive any financial gain from this story. No copyright infringement is intended**

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><p><em>"Alcohol may not solve your problems, but neither will water or milk." Amy Winehouse<em>

I love to be underwater.

To feel like I'm drowning, but yet to know I'm safe because I'm only in my bathtub.

Warmth, silence; lightness.

I could stay this way forever.

The need to breath is always stronger though.

I emerge, and instead of feeling alive I feel something heavy on my chest.

I need a drink.

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><p><strong>A.N. Banner on my profile**

**Theme song : U-Turn (Lili) by Aaron**


	2. Chapter 2

"Another, please."

I hate the looks he gives me.

Pity.

Where is Maggie today.

She doesn't judge, doesn't ask. Only serves.

The music playing makes me sadder.

I want to go home now.

I drink, ask for another.

I won't leave now.

I need some more.


	3. Chapter 3

I wake up to a message from my brother.

My bills are paid for, he transferred money onto my account.

I don't know why he always call to tell me.

It's the same shit every damn five of the month. He pays the bills and he gives me money.

If he wants to create a bond between us, it's too late.

I reach for the Jack on my nightstand to start my day.


	4. Chapter 4

I used to be so gracious, so beautiful...

It hurts but I can't help it. I have to watch them.

The images of my shattered dreams.

Thankfully, my best friend Jack keeps me company.

I could have become so much more.

But it's three pm on a Thursday and I'm on my couch drinking and crying over my lost dreams.

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><p><strong>A.N Two chapters are up.**

**Thanks for reading. ;)**


	5. Chapter 5

Today, I come across Jasper.

He used to be a part of my ballet company. A sujet.

He recognize me immediately. As for me, I can barely remember him.

He was a new addition to the company while I was the soon to be prima ballerina.

He invites me for a drink.

I accept.

We end up at my place.

I'm not as disgusted with myself as I usually am afterward.

Maybe because I kind of knew him, maybe because he told me sweet words, maybe because it was slow and gentle.

It didn't feel like fucking.

But it wasn't making love either.


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey... It's me...it's Rosalie, I mean... Well, you know that... I was just calling because I miss you... I saw this movie today. You know the one you took me to during our first date..."

"Please Rosalie. Do us both a favor and try to cure yourself... Stop calling. Please."

He hangs up.

It's been a while since I drunk called him.

I still love him so much it hurts.

I'm pathetic.

I drink some more to forget he rejected me yet again.

How does he expect me to get better when I'm alone.

I call Jasper trying to sound sultry.

Less than an hour later, he's at my door.

Being with him feels comforting.

It isn't love but it's enough for me.

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><p><strong>A.N Two chapters are up.**

**Thanks for reading.**

**;)**


	7. Chapter 7

Bella calls to remind me not to forget about Cassandra's birthday.

_Cassandra._ "She who entangles men" She'll be a heart breaker.

Like her mother.

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><p>"<em>I'm trying Emmett. You know I tried."<em>

_We were both crying._

_Seeing him like this broke my heart because I knew I was breaking his._

"_I know. And it's worse because you're aware of what you're doing to me, to us... It's not that you don't care. It's just that I'm not enough for you to stop."_

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><p><em>A.N. The second part in italic type is a flashback._

_Thank you for reading. ;)_


	8. Chapter 8

I get up early and take my time to get dolled up.

I'm going to see Cassandra today and I want her to think her mother is the most beautiful of all.

Emmett will be there too.

I'm ashamed when the clerk ask me what my daughter loves because I don't know the answer.

I don't know what she loves but I'm sure Bella does.

This makes me resent her even more.

I end up buying the latest doll, the most expensive princess dress they have and the Disney 132 discs DVD boxset.

Cassandra will love at least one of these gifts.

I can't be wrong.

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><p><em><strong>A.N Two chapters are up. Thank you for reading.**_

_**:)**_


	9. Chapter 9

I'm running late for the party.

I stopped at a bar and had a couple of drinks.

I needed this.

Bella is the first to notice my breath.

She doesn't say anything and leads me to the party goers.

Then comes Edward who glares accusingly and disapprovingly at me. I don't care about what he thinks.

Maybe he should have taken his role as a brother more seriously before, when I needed him most.

Emmett is here with Kate, his girlfriend.

She's pretty. Blonde. Like me.

The way she looks at him unnerves me. And the way he looks at her hurts me.

Cassandra is excited to see me.

So am I, she's the perfect mix of Emmett and me.

I remember when he said she looked just like me.

But I don't have dimples and a smile as beautiful as these one.

I'm glad when she says that the gifts she prefers are mine.

When the party is over, we spend some quality time together. Those moments are so rare and far between, I cherish everyone of them.

I'm surprised when I see Emmett watching us.

When he looks up and our eyes meet, my heart skips a beat.

There is something in his eyes, something I can't decipher.

When he comes closer, I can pinpoint the exact moment he smelled it.

He tenses, shakes his head, sighs and says to Cassandra he has to leave before kissing her.

He doesn't acknowledge me when he leaves.

I call Jasper that night.

He's happy to come and warm my bed.


	10. Chapter 10

I'm having dinner with Edward.

I had no other choice but to follow him after he came knocking at my door.

We both eat in silence. We have never been talkative with each other.

Our 13 year age gap has never helped either.

"You can't keep doing this Rosalie." He says after the waiter has put our desserts on the table.

"What are you talking about?"

"This." Edward gestures towards the glass of wine he didn't keep me from ordering.

"Why do you act as if you cared Edward?"

He looks momentarily hurt. "Because I do. You're my baby sister."

I don't feel bad.

I excuse myself and leave the restaurant.

We are past the charade of my paying for the bill.

It's his money anyway.

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><p>"<em>You <em>_live _here_!__" __I __chuckle __at __Emmett's __stunned __expression._

"_Yeah."_

"_I didn't know you were that loaded."_

"_I'm not."_

_He looks at me sceptically._

_I sigh and I tell him that my brother has been supporting me financially since my parents passed away a few years ago._

"_It's not easy for him, you know? He had just been promoted when all of...this happened. And he knows I can manage on my own. And it's true, I've been living alone for 3 years now and, look, I'm still alive."_

_I know what he must think about Edward, a man who left his 16 year old sister living alone after their parents had just died._

_It's obvious, but I don't want him to feel pity for me._

_I really like him and it would spoil everything if he pities me._

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><p><strong>A.N. Two chapters are up.**

**Thank you for reading. ;)**


	11. Chapter 11

Bella has invited me to the park.

She is going to bring Cassandra and her daughter Ava.

She says it'll a girl thing.

Bella's niceness is irritating.

She's the perfect wife and mother.

One couldn't tell that she's only 2 months younger than me.

I have never liked the woman.

But I'll go anyway.

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><p><em>Edward had invited me to dinner. I was excited. <em>

_We didn't get to talk often - apart from some rare phone calls, which I always initiated._

_I don't know why, but I thought he had somehow heard of my being cast over Tanya as prima ballerina for the ballet which would make me._

_It turned out that he wanted to introduce me to his new flavor of the month. _

_I wasn't stupid, nor was I naive. I knew all about Edward's womanizing ways. But it was the first time that I was confronted to it and it made me feel uncomfortable._

_Besides, I didn't like this girl, Bella. She was insipid, plain, shy and clearly too young for him..._

_I didn't know what Edward had seen in her. Hopefully he would get bored soon enough._

_I didn't tell him my good news. I was sure that he wouldn't care._

_I didn't stay for long as I quickly got tired of Edward's antics. He kept looking at the girl as if she was some sort of miracle._

_I had rehearsal the day after anyway. _

_When Emmett asked me how it went the next day, I lied._

_I didn't want him to dislike Edward more than he already did._

_I was certain that he knew it hadn't gone well but had decided not to press the issue._

_He was patient and understanding and gave me the attention I needed without being overbearing. _

_I think, that's why I loved - and still love to this day – Emmett McCarty._


	12. Chapter 12

I'm cold but I don't care.

It's nice to watch Cassandra play with Ava.

Her rosy cheeks, her flying hair, her laughter.

When I see her like this, I want to get better. I want to _be_ better.

I pride myself on not having drunk a single drop of alcohol this morning.

I wish Cassandra were proud of me too.

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><p><strong>A.N. Two chapters are up.**

**Thank you for reading. ;)**


	13. Chapter 13

Bella updates me about Cassandra. Her school, her friends, her hobbies,...

It's not enough to keep me distracted though.

I can already feel my hands shaking.

It was a mistake to think I could go without.

Too soon, I have to leave.

When I'm home, I drink straight from the bottle.

It's messy, but I don't care.

The warm feeling provided by the alcohol is soon replaced by one of disgust and self-pity.

I cry, sleep, drink, eat, cry, sleep.

I don't call Jasper.

He still seems to admire me.

He doesn't see what I have become.

And I don't want him to.


	14. Chapter 14

Another dinner with Edward.

He pleads with me to go to rehab.

He threatens to cut me off.

He uses Cassandra to soften me.

He tells me that I'm egoistical, that I'm a bad mother, that he understands why Emmett left me.

Don't I already know all of this?

I finish my drink, get up and leave.

I'm sure Edward will call to apologize.

On my way out, I see Jasper.

He's accompanied by a petite dark haired girl.

She's cute. Familiar.

Jasper seems uncomfortable.

Does he think I'm going to make a scene?

We aren't a couple.

I pass him without acknowledging him.

I was right, I come home to Edward apologizing on my voicemail.

He says he's going to come tomorrow after work.

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><p><em>I still can't believe it's over.<em>

_I hate Felix for not catching me._

_Edward only came the day after the accident._

_He didn't know how to deal with me when I started to cry._

_Bella was the one to comfort me and I let her even though I still dislike her._

_Edward only sends me flowers now. Bella still comes in spite of my ignoring her. _

_Emmett tells me I was splendid during my performance, and that's the worst._

_I could have made it._

_I hate my leg._

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><p><strong>A.N. Two chapters are up.**

**Thank you for reading.**

**:)**


	15. Chapter 15

Emmett calls me.

He wants to meet up for lunch.

I try not to appear over eager when I accept his invitation.

I'm exhilarated.

I can already picture Emmett, Cassandra and me being a real family.

We'd be happy.

Somehow, I'd be better.


	16. Chapter 16

Smiling is easy.

It just consists in contracting some muscles.

But it seems unmanageable to do so as he announces to me that he asked his girlfriend to marry him.

He wanted to be the one to tell me.

I severely need a drink.

What a mistake to have ordered a soda to make a good impression on him.

I can't help asking which ring it is.

It's a new one he says. Not the family heirloom.

It's a small consolation.

I congratulate him and say that I have somewhere to go to.

We both know it's not true, but he plays along.

The hug he gives me is hurtful instead of being comforting.

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><p>"<em>Marry me." Emmett whispers.<em>

_I have been bedridden for two weeks now._

_I still cry every day over my failure. Over my lost future._

_I'm sure my eyes are red and blotchy._

_I want to say no._

_Some may say that life isn't over as long as one isn't dead but it feels like it._

_His asking this is like his saying. "Now that your career is out of the way. Why not get married?"_

_He's so hopeful, so caring and he has been there for me..._

_I'm tempted to say no. But I agree._

_He's smiling when he slips his late grandmother's ring on my finger._

_I know I have taken the right decision._

"_I love you." He kisses me even though I didn't brush my teeth today._

"_Could you bring me a drink please?"_

_He agrees. He doesn't know it's the beginning of the end for us._

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><p><strong>A.N Thank you for reading.**

**Two chapters are up. ;)**


	17. Chapter 17

When Jasper arrives at my apartment, I'm already tipsy.

He seems surprised I called him.

"I don't care if you have a girlfriend." I tell him.

"Fiancee." He corrects me.

I still don't care.

And I show him just that.


	18. Chapter 18

"We never really talk."

I don't know why I tell him this.

It must be because the love of my life told me he was getting married today.

"What do you want to know?"

"I don't know."

He tells me a lot.

How he managed to become the star of the ballet company, that they are going to have an exhibition in a few weeks, he even tells me about his fiancee and his doubts about the impending wedding.

He doesn't ask much about me.

I prefer it that way.

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><p><strong>A.N. Two chapters are up.**

**Thank you reading.**

**;)**


	19. Chapter 19

Funny how time passes when your life is empty.

Every day usually looks the same to me.

Today is different though.

Emmett is getting married.

Jasper comes to my place even if I didn't call him.

He knows it'll be difficult for me today.

I drink even though he's here.

We don't pretend anymore.


	20. Chapter 20

"_I'm glad you came."_

"_Yeah." Emmett doesn't look at me. "What did you want to talk to me about?"_

"_I'm pregnant."_

_Before the end of the week he has moved back in. _

_We will try again._

_I'll sober up and we'll be happy._

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><p><strong>A.N. Two chapters are up.**

**Thank you for reading.**

**;)**


	21. Chapter 21

"Who is she?"

Jasper says showing me a picture of Cassandra.

"My daughter."

"Where is she?"

It's irritating.

Does he think that his coming here often allows him to touch my things?

"She lives with my brother."

He doesn't ask why.

He knows.


	22. Chapter 22

Jasper invited me to the first exhibition of the ballet he's been working for for a year.

I don't know why I came.

Lots of painful memories assault my mind as I am waiting for the show to start.

I can't stay.

Even the drinks I had before coming aren't enough to sooth my nerves.

I go to the bar. Hopefully Maggie is the one working tonight.

At least, I know why Jasper's fiancee is familiar now.

Alice Brandon.

Her face can be seen on the poster on the front of the theater.

She's the star.

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><p><strong>A.N. Thanks for reading.**

**Two chapters are up.**

**;) **


	23. Chapter 23

I drink and drink and don't pay any attention to my buzzing phone.

Maggie is here tonight and she is the one who takes care of my going home safely.

She calls Emmett.

I don't know what he says but she sends one of the bartenders home with me.

I may have rambled a lot about my lost career, my pathetic life, my lost love...

When I wake up the next morning, I have numerous missed calls from Jasper and one from Emmett.


	24. Chapter 24

"You can't keep doing this Rosalie."

"Is this why you wanted to see me?" I say drinking my daiquiri.

Emmett sighs, he'll never get used to seeing me drink.

But it's not his business anymore.

"So?" I raise one eyebrow trying to appear confident.

But he sees right through me.

"Why don't you try going to a rehabilitation center? If not for you, for Cassie."

I scoff at his hypocrisy. Why is he being so judgmental when he's no better than me?

"Now that you're married, why don't you take her in?" I shoot back at him.

He doesn't answer.

Sometimes, I wonder how I could have fallen for someone like him so easily.

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><p>"<em>You're leaving?" I ask his back.<em>

"_You won't try. I can't watch you doing this to yourself."_

_He won't look at me. He's such a coward._

"_What about the baby?"_

"_Do you really care, Rosalie?" He stops packing but doesn't turn back._

"_Of course I do."_

"_It doesn't feel like it when you hide to drink while you know perfectly well that you're harming her."_

"_It's not my fault... I'm trying Emmett." I can't keep the tears at bay. _

"_I know. That's why it hurts so much Lily."_

_He doesn't turn back and avoid looking at me when he leaves._

_He is crying too._

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><p><strong>A.N. Two chapters are up.**

**Thank you for reading. ;)**


	25. Chapter 25

When I arrive home, Jasper is standing in front of my door.

I barely care about how long he's been waiting.

"You didn't call me back...after the show." I don't know what he's trying to justify.

I let him in.

Surprisingly, we end up watching videos of my shows.

I drink and he acts as if it doesn't bother him.

I know it does, Emmett used to act like this at the beginning too.


	26. Chapter 26

Edward visits me.

He talks about rehab.

He talks about our parents.

He says he's sorry about Emmett, about his not being in my life like he should have been, and about Cassandra.

I don't have the heart to tell him hurtful things.

I fall asleep with my head on his lap as if I were five again.

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><p><strong>A.N. Two chapters are up. **

**Thanks for reading. ;)**


	27. Chapter 27

Jasper spends a lot of time at my place.

Sometimes, I wonder if his fiancee knows.

When I ask him about it, he says that even if she knew, he wouldn't care.

I think he's starting to fall for me.

It's nice to feel loved and wanted.

It's nice not to be alone.

Were I still as naive as I used to be, I would have thought that it was the beginning of a new life.

Thankfully, I'm not naive anymore.


	28. Chapter 28

Emmett dropped by today.

Jasper was already here.

It was strange.

One is my past, the other my present.

They were both acting jealous.

I selfishly asked Jasper to leave.

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><p><strong>A.N. Two chapters are up.**


	29. Chapter 29

"A new boyfriend?"

"You're married Emmett."

"I didn't say it was a bad thing."

"What do you want?"

"Your brother called me."

I'm surprised, Edward has never been one to interfere with my life.

"So?"

"He asked if I planned to take Cassandra with me."

"Do you?"

"I don't know. She's fine there..."

"Why don't you want her? Because she's mine? I'm sure that if she was your precious Kate's it would be different." I spit.

I'm hurt for me and for my daughter. The only sane parent she has doesn't even want her.

"You know it's not that Lily."

He used to call me 'Lily' back then, when we were happy. But we aren't anymore.

"So what is it?"

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><p><em>The delivery had been so hard.<em>

_I was grateful for Bella's presence as she had been the one to hold my hand while I was having my C-section._

_They had wheeled me to my room and brought the baby to have her cleaned up._

_Bella was telling me how much she loved the name I gave to my daughter saying it would suit her perfectly. She was telling me about the name they had chosen for their yet unborn daughter when Edward walked into the room._

"_Emmett's here." He said somberly._

_Bella managed to get Edward out of the room. It was only Emmett and me._

_We were silent until the nurse brought Cassandra into the room. Surprisingly, she was in a good health despite my bad habit._

"_Look at her, she's so beautiful."_

"_She looks so much like you."_

_His tone and his pained expression let me know that it wasn't a good thing._

_It had been decided that I wouldn't be able to take care of Cassandra properly because of my problem. Emmett had said he wouldn't be able to either because of his job and had even suggested to leave Cassandra in his parents' care in Tennessee._

_It was hard to think that he was the one judging my brother for his lack of presence in my life not so long ago._

_So when Cassandra and I got released from the hospital, Bella and Edward brought my daughter to their house with my and Emmett's consent. I didn't want to live with them at the time despite their numerous offers because I didn't feel worthy of Cassandra. I had promised myself that I would live with her when I would be cured._

_Looking back, I know it was foolish thinking, but it was – and still is – the best way for everybody._


	30. Chapter 30

After Emmett's visit.

I drink until I get sick.

I'm a crying mess.

I call Jasper and he comes quickly.

He cradles me and snuggles with me in my bed.

His presence is soothing.

It also prevents me from calling Emmett in this state.

When I wake up the next morning.

He's still there.

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><p><strong>A.N Two chapters are up.**

**Thank you for reading.**

**;)**


	31. Chapter 31

Lying next to Jasper in my bed is kind of awkward. He has never spent the night.

It's weird because we've known each other for so long now and yet we are still strangers.

"Why aren't you married yet?"

He's been engaged before Emmett and has yet to marry Alice.

Thinking about her or saying her name doesn't make me feel guilty.

It's nice to take something valuable from her when I feel that she has taken my dream away from me.

Jasper stretches out. "At first she was the one delaying the wedding. Now..."

"Now you're the one delaying it."

"Exactly." He smiles down at me and kisses me.

I don't ask him why.

I don't want to know.

I think I already do.


	32. Chapter 32

"You seem happier" Bella says.

We are at a coffee shop waiting for Ava and Cassandra's school play which is to begin in less than an hour.

"Do I?"

"Huh huh. What brought it on?"

"I don't know." And really, I don't.

We are silently drinking our coffees when Bella asks.

"Did you really tell Edward to ask Emmett to take Cassandra back?"

She avoids looking at me.

"Yeah. I think it'd be better if she lived with her father. Don't you think so?"

"No." I'm surprised by her bold answer. It's not Bella. "I think it'd be in her best interest to stay with us. We are her family. Edward agrees with me but he won't go against your wish." I'm not used to seeing her angry.

Nor am I to seeing her plead. "Please."

"Don't worry. Emmett doesn't want her anyway. I think we'd better go."

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><p><strong>A.N. Two chapters are up. **

**:)**


	33. Chapter 33

I shouldn't have come.

As I watch Emmett, his wife and my daughter interacting I can't help but feel like I don't belong here.

Cassandra didn't notice me and she doesn't seem to be looking for me.

I realize that she doesn't need me.

I take some steps towards the exit.

I faintly hear Bella calling my name.

I know I'm outside when I take a breath of fresh air.

I hail a cab.

When the driver asks me "Where to?"

I give him the address of my favorite bar.


	34. Chapter 34

I'm with Jasper.

He wants to be gentle, to take it slow.

I don't want him to.

I'm too angry.

I want it to be hard and fast.

Emotionless.

"What's wrong?"

He asks me afterward.

The way he touches me with so much care and affection unnerves me.

"Leave."

He sighs and I know he's gone when I hear my front door slamming.

I'm thirsty.

* * *

><p><strong>A.N. Two chapters are up.**

**Thank you for reading. **

**;)**


	35. Chapter 35

I'm quite surprised to see Jasper standing in front of my door.

I haven't heard from him for more than a week.

I let him in without asking anything.

I don't have anything to say.

He joins me on the couch and we watch my videos.

He winces each time I serve myself a new drink.

I don't offer him one, I know he'll turn it down.

"Will you come to the final showing?"

I answer only hours later when he's leaving.

"Okay... For the show, just give me the tickets." I add when I see his quizzical look.

His smile when he leaves is heart warming.

Sometimes, I wonder if maybe he'll be the one to save me.

It may not only be about love after all.


	36. Chapter 36

I put on my best dress.

I only had one drink to give me courage.

I feel confident.

I think I do until I enter the hall and see Tanya.

I can feel her pity from where I'm standing.

I think she wants to come and salute me but I don't wait for her to reach me.

I don't want to know what she has become.

I don't want to tell her what I have become.

I'm nothing.

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><p><strong>A.N. Two chapters are up.**

**Thank you for reading.**

**;]**


	37. Chapter 37

It's beautiful.

Beautiful and painful.

Not because Jasper dance with his fiancee.

But because she is performing.

She's so graceful that it makes me jealous.

It reminds me of the role which was supposed to make me but broke me instead.

I shouldn't be there.

But I'm cemented to my chair.

I can feel tears on my cheeks.

When applauds explode and the lights are turned on, I am the only person to leave the place.


	38. Chapter 38

Jasper is at my door. As usual.

Shouldn't he be celebrating his success?

"What do you want?" I slur - consequence of my little trip to the bar.

"You've been drinking?"

I can hear disappointment in his voice.

It irritates me.

"Is there something new there?"

He doesn't say anything but when I see his eyes, he doesn't need to.

"Leave."

"Rosalie..."

He tries to reach for me but I avoid him.

"Leave."

"Why do you always push away the people who love you?"

"Because you love me?" I scoff.

When he tries to answer, I cut him. "Who does anyway? My brother? Emmett? My daughter?"

The truth behind my statement hurts me and breaks the remnants of something I hadn't realized was still there. Hope?

"I love you."

"Really? And yet you are still engaged, Jasper." My confident tone surprises me. "I'm just an old fantasy. The woman you wanted to have but couldn't. You don't love me. You only want what you couldn't have when you were a newbie. And look... I'm not the same person I was when you met me. I'm so freaking broken that nobody could recognize me."

I don't know why he doesn't say anything. If my words affected him, he doesn't show it.

"But it's natural. People always want to repair what's broken. But, I'm unrepairable Jasper. People have tried before and you're not going to be the last one."

"Are you finished?" His voice is cold, I have never heard him speak like this. Jasper is always so warm, so nice.

"You aren't entitled to tell me what I'm feeling Rosalie. But if you really want me gone, I'll leave. Don't call me back."

I wouldn't have taken him seriously if I hadn't seen his unshed tears.

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><p>"<em>I met someone." Emmett didn't look up from his coffee.<em>

_When Emmett had called me, I had thought that he wanted to talk about the possibility of us getting back together and raising our daughter together._

_I was wrong._

_My heart constricted as I looked at him. He wouldn't look at me._

"_She..." I raised my hand to keep him from saying more. I didn't want to know. Who she was, how he had met, what she was doing... I didn't care. _

"_It's over?" My voice sounded weird even to my own ears because of the tears I was trying to contain._

_He looked up at me then, he wanted to cry too."Yeah, it's over."_

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><p><strong>A.N. Two chapters are up.**

**Thank you for reading.**


	39. Chapter 39

I drink. A lot.

Not necessarily because Jasper left me.

But because my words were so true.

Edward has never cared for me. And now he's too disappointed in me and I'm too broken for us to have a real relationship.

Emmett left me. Broken by my selfishness.

Cassandra will never know how much she means to me. When she'll grow up, she'll be persuaded that I chose alcohol over her.

Bella is now the closest thing I have of a friend but I don't even know silly things about her like her favorite color or her favorite movie.

Overall, Jasper is only a metaphor.

A metaphor of my loneliness.

I know I'll die alone.


	40. Chapter 40

I watch my best performance one last time.

I watch the photographs adorning my walls. Pictures of Emmett, my parents, Cassandra and Ava, Edward and Bella.

Pictures of my old self. When I was beautiful, healthy and had a bright and promising future ahead of me.

I put on make up like I used to do before one of my shows and wear my favorite dress.

The red one.

On my way to the bathroom, I take pills and an alcohol bottle.

I swallow the pills with the vodka. Chocking and crying.

Soon, I slip underwater.

I love this familiar feeling of drowning and yet to know I'm safe because I'm only in my bathtub.

Warmth, silence; lightness.

I will stay like this until the end.

The need to breath isn't as strong as my need to end my suffering.

I feel light. The same sensation I used to feel when I would be thrown up in the air.

At least, I still have somewhat of my past beauty.

Everything fades away, underwater.

I have to drown to live.

When I emerge, I can see it.

Images of Cassandra and Emmett. Images of my parents and Edward. Images of me dancing.

My dream.

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><p><strong>A.N. The two final chapters are up.**

**Thank you for reading my story.**

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